I received a most amazing invitation in the form of an email this morning. It invited me into expansion on the BLOG I shared last night and even more clarity for me. As I mentioned in my BLOG yesterday, the martry strategy lives somwhere hand in hand with theh experience of responsible for me. What I realized this morning is that the victim inside of me is never far away from those roles and responsibilites either. A nasty and ugly truth to admit but it has been the truth of my experience. Here is an excerpt from my email.
"I know for myself that my whole identity as a young person was based upon "responsible" and this is why I became a police officer. I was reliable and organized and uber managed and controlled and above all, responsible. The more I was seen as such, the more I dove into the roles and behaviours. It nearly sucked my soul out of me at times. I nearly ended my life because the pressure of being someone I wasn't, was killing me.
Now that I live in alignment with the greater expression of who I AM, that pressure is relieved. But I have many moments of recreating the need for me to be responsible. My kids were a perfect catalyst because if I am needed, I can still play out "responsible" and get the praise that I once did. All false to be sure and as my children grow and I let go of control and outcome for them as well as me, I become more and more me and need less and less outside praise.
The martyr inside of me uses my responsible self to say look at all I've done and look how you are treating me! Look at how great and super responsible and kind I have been how could you? That little victim that I have judged for so long has made up shop over the years. I get to say, look what I've done and then turn around and be outraged because you were mean or unkind.....it's a beautiful loop. Tragic, destructive, manipulative and self fulfilling loop. I would have spit in your face for the past 30 years if you ever accused me of being victim but....the ugly truth is, I have been and further to that, it has been a strategy I have used to leverage outcomes.
I can hear and feel the shame of it all."