This year has certainly been a year of death. Letting go, softening, inviting and allowing all those thoughts, ideas, notions, experiences and relationships to crumble and fall away.
I have never been more clear about my uncertainty. There are no more markers or familiar posts on this journey. They are certainly not exterior to me but rather reside inside as subtle cues, feelings and sensations.
I am discovering a deep and profound love and compassion for ME. Perhaps for the first time ever. I am giving mySelf permission to FEEL first. Introduce and chose the lense of LOVE and kindness before all others.
Last year’s intention was about a graceful death. Letting go of all that didn’t serve me and reveling in the lushes parts of life.
What I experienced was grief, sadness, reluctance, structure, reality bending, loss, “Out of controlness “, And a freefall from what was familiar. It was difficult and overwhelming. My heart broke over and over. From this breaking and grief , produced cracks that could not be repaired but I remained opened.
I can’t explain it or put it all together for you in a way that would make sense but I do know 2019 is about my rebirth and it will be steeped in a deep cherishing love.
The kind of love you show a newborn. The kind of love that we all hope relationship elicits. The kind of love that moves beyond action or doing but rather radiates… Outward and inward. The kind of love that informs your cells How to grow. The kind of love that surpasses expectation, rules, responsibilities, structure, rigidity. The kind of love that emerges to write and create the new story. Compassion and an unlimited/self sourcing type of love.
This is a love story for myself. By myself. This love story starts with me and the i am that I AM. This is a new kind of love story. Not one with the undercurrents of something that could ever be pulled away. No undercurrent of right or wrong or good or bad. There are no judgments in this love, only pure acceptance.
I will weave a cocoon for myself and It will be made of possibilities, love, deep connection to self, Stardust and magic. I will immerse myself within this cocoon and allow the space and time to emerge into this world as who I came here to be.
I am going through a process of metamorphosis. I am learning and relearning how to soothe and care for myself. Not in a way that makes me victim but in a way that calls to my greatness. In a way that illuminates the power of my innocence and vulnerability. I have embraced my innocence and Vulnerability as my superpower.
This is a new formula of creation. Choosing mindfully to invite malleability of self With complete trust and safety. Through the excretion, blood, sweat, tears of my own death… I will rise within that fertility… Me… The new me.
I will use love as the gentle lubrication Of this process. The compassion and kindness will be the context And malleable structure that creates my new cells.
I have lived 40 years on this planet and perhaps have never really understood the potential of love. Love has meant something very different to me in my world. Love has been controlling and manipulative. Violent and unkind. Inhumane and righteous. No longer are these meanings/notions valuable to me. In my energetic And quantum self I only require my own authenticity. The essence or magic that I am when infused with love, kindness, compassion… Can and Will birth ME whole.
It’s funny that I started out this post as a post to say goodbye on social media for the rest of 2018. It has taken on a more meaningful intention than I could have ever thought possible.
There have been so many uncertain moments these pst months for me. Questioning my place on this planet, my place as a partner, mother, friend. My necessity. Is it time for me to MoveOn? How could I possibly stay inside of these old structures with this type of unrelenting pressure ? I allowed myself to stay in the curiosity and the uncomfortability that the unknown brings. I cried, yelled, screamed, hit, kicked, softened and owned. Owned my truth in each moment. It was not easy. It was ugly. It was violent. It was tender and loving.
And I am here.
Not because I feel I don’t have a choice but because I choose from inside where I live. I am mindfully choosing to stay on this planet and there is no greater life giving choice than to choose to BE ALIVE!
For 2019 I choose to invite, allow, embrace, welcome the malleability of who I am becoming. I invite love, compassion and kindness to infuse myself and my reality. A way of being that his lead with the lens of a pure LOVE.
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