A few weeks ago I discovered a woman on Facebook. She is a photographer and was advertising for a “goddess” photo shoot giveaway. I applied for the give away but heard a louder bell or impulse inside of me. I later found out a friend had contacted this photographer and was to have her own photos taken. When my friend revealed her photos to me, I heard it again…an undeniable knock at my own door that I label “impulse”.
This “impulse” thing happens often now, daily in fact. I remember it as a child and when a child has the slightest impulse…they act on it. I remember knowing things to be so deeply true that I could not and did not ignore them. This was not always favoured by the tall people in my life and often got me into “trouble”. But I knew things…things that I shouldn’t reasonably know but I knew them anyways. Places, spaces, people called to me from another time and space and the call always lived in my gut. In my belly. In my place of creation where the essence of me resides.
I trust this feeling, this deep knowing. I always have. There have been times in my life that the call is LOUD and others when it is but a whisper, but I always hear and trust it. Over the past several years, I fully reclaimed and stepped into my own ancient wisdom and knowledge. I instinctually know that these “impulses” are ME leaving bread crumbs to follow. These moments are ME creating my life mindfully and with intention. I heard this call to myself again after feeling the impact of my friends’ photographs. I contacted the photographer, Christina and simply said that I was compelled to speak with her about a potential collaboration between us.
I met Christina at a local coffee shop and the moment I sat down, I knew I was in the right place and time. I felt like I had found another one of my “people”. There was zero small talk about the weather or sports. There was zero preface or awkwardness. We stepped into the most magical and easy flow of conversation. We went to the depths of our worlds, no strategies or habits just raw and unscripted words in flow. Two powerful Beings coming together in this life for the first time.
I was moved and the feeling that drove me to make contact was louder than ever. Christina and I spoke for more than an hour, discovering more about where we were each at on our journey to remember. We shared vision and intention. We had a connection deeper than the one email exchange could explain. We discussed her taking my photographs and the only guideline I had was that I trusted her impulse on the matter. I felt that the right elements existed for this collaboration to FLOW from our SOULS onto film. There was no date and time…there was no “what to wear” discussion. There was no location figured out. We left each other with the understanding that at some point in the future, an impulse would strike and organically….we would capture the moment on film.
After a few days, I received a message from Christina speaking of a dream she had about me, a vision involving a head piece. She texted me a few pics of what she was looking for and of course said.. NOPE I had nothing like that. A couple of email exchanges about where we were in our lives, and a random phone call one morning…BOOM! Photo day.
I cleaned houses the morning before meeting Christina at her at her home. I showed up with my greasy cleaning outfit and pulled back, barely brushed, hair on. I emptied my closet of anything that resembled “flowy” clothing (which was her only suggestion), and showed up. Totally buzzing with uncertainty. I had NO idea what I was doing, what she was going to do, or how to dress or act….I only heard that steady beat inside where I live. Right place, right time, right company… I trusted completely in something/one that I didn’t even know.
When I arrived Christina asked me about what I was looking for. I was clear that I was looking to hold space to BE captured. Allowing it all to organically unfold and that I trusted her gift and insight. I knew that she has a great deal of vision about something and trusted that it was and would be all it should be. I didn’t need a game plan, or list or agenda or outcome. BEING was enough.
Christina presented me with a head piece that she had made specifically for ME, for the shoot. It was incredible! I was so moved and confused because I could not SEE where and how it applied to me. I fumbled through what to wear and we grabbed a few items and a hat that Christina had purchased for the shoot. I felt awkward as hell…trying to pull together an outfit. I felt totally out of my league and unable to make the decision. I felt inadequate and even more unsure.
Christina directed me to a side road that she felt was the place. We pulled over. I was so nervous and out of my element. I could feel the grip of expectation and performance fall over me. I didn’t want to disappoint her and still had no idea of what the fuck I was doing here!
The wind was blowing that day. I had been having a hate relationship with my really LONG and knotted hair. I felt out of control in the wind and all of my insecurities, doubt and uncertainty came out in a need to manage my blowing hair. I heard Christina ask me about how my hair was bothering me. I responded by saying that it was “ out of control, unmanageable, in my face” All metaphors for where I was in my world.
My experience of out of control, unmanageable, uncertain, uncomfortable, and doubt…has been to Control and think and manage. Formulate and execute a plan to feel safe, secure and comfortable. But On this day, IMPOSSIBLE! When I heard my words out loud, Christina invited me to relax into my body and ground myself. She said, “feel the wind, hear the birds”. I stopped and settled back into my body fully. It was still awkward and uncertain, because I didn’t know where to put my hands or where to look but I could feel the wind and let go of control.
At one point I had the hat on and it kept collapsing in around my face. I could only see out a small triangle out of the hat and there was Christina with a truck behind her on the road waiting for us to finish! I bursted out laughing and my whole body relaxed into my BEING.
I felt the shift.
We went to the next stop and with the beautiful prairie sun setting, we snapped the last photos with a relaxed and easy flow. I didn’t do anything but look and feel the world around me. I felt the soft ground, prickles in the grass, smelled the stinky swamp mud, heard and watched the copious amounts of Canadian geese. I felt at home. I felt strong and ancient and in complete FLOW.
I heard Christina say to me how the pictures she was capturing were MORE than she had ever hoped and how breathtaking I was. I heard the words but was so aware of how I did not allow them to penetrate me. I did not take them in and allow them to flow. I brushed them off abruptly with a joke and continued on my day.
The photo day was not easy or comfortable. It took me completely out of my ordinary and predictable life. I had no outcome or ideas. I had nothing to recall from my history that may make these moments make more sense. It felt awkward in moments and I did IT!
Later that night after the shoot, I received a message from Christina that the photos were ready to send. She said that she would start off slowly. I replied to her with a question of, “ is it like we are tearing off a band aid?” well, it wasn’t a band aid….but it was life changing.
As each photo came thru slowly and surely…my breath was taken away. I cried with every whisp of hair, capture of movement, smile, wrinkle, sun spot, flick of a finger, and piece of ME captured.
I was moved to tears each and every inhale of these magnificent photo’s of ME.
I was moved to tears to see my own raw sacredness captured on film.
I was moved to sobs when I saw my hands in the mud.
I was moved to see the movement and grace in my flesh as Christina captured it.
I could see the star dust spewing out of ME as Christina stood and captured it
I could NOT believe what I was seeing yet….I KNEW. I knew the POWER and ANCIENTness that I AM. There it was for everyone to see. Christina captured not only who I have been but the movement of who I am becoming. Christina captured my history, my present and my future with each snap of the lenses. Christina captured the pure, raw vulnerability of my SOUL. She captured the ESSENCE of ME, on film.
I am forever changed because of this experience. I can never NOT know who and what I AM. I can never deny my birthright as a visionary and steward of SOIL on this planet. I can never not feel the lineage of women who have come before me and those who will come after. I have seen a glimpse of the force of GODDESS that I AM and as such….can no longer live as a mortal.
I have yet to know the full impact of this experience for myself. It has further sparked the need for a larger REVEAL. I do not yet know how and where this will be but I definitely know it will be soon.
I am beyond grateful for Christina’s visionary gift and ability to trust herself above all.
Mandy Sandbach
I am beyond grateful for Christina’s visionary gift and ability to trust herself above all.
